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Lessons from the coaching couch


The idea of self-love sounds like a cliché, as does that saying: If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?


People love to advise each other to focus on loving themselves. It seems to be something vaguely prescribed when things feel hard. But what does it actually mean? What does it look like?

Some interpret this to mean  indulgent bubble baths, movie nights and walks in nature. For others, it might look like enforcing boundaries or leaving damaging relationships.


As an extremely literal person, I’ve always struggled with the idea of self-love. I didn’t feel love for myself in the way I felt it for others, so I thought I was “doing it wrong”. How exactly does one love oneself? How do you know what you need? How do you listen to yourself after years of doing the opposite?


I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps self-love isn’t a feeling at all. Perhaps it’s the process of getting to know yourself as you would another person, learning to listen to yourself, and enjoy your own company. This process might mean you stop people-pleasing and begin to tolerate disappointing others when to do otherwise would cost you more than it should.


I see this kind of self-love emerging in my work with clients. After years of pain or people-pleasing, something slowly begins to shift. They start to unravel the threads of who they are and what they want. Through the process of self-understanding, developing compassion for the self and healing, a new self can be woven: stronger, happier and more resilient.


We carry many childhood wounds into adult life and perhaps self-love is an opportunity to finally redress these as part of the healing process. I see this happen when clients whose childhoods left much to be desired realise that adulthood offers a chance to change their story. To give it a different ending. To become, in some ways, the parent they didn’t have.


You can change your ending too:

By standing up for yourself because no one else did.

By speaking kindly to yourself because no one else did.

Feeding yourself nourishing food.

Protecting yourself from unhealthy relationships.

Setting boundaries.


Through learning to love and care for yourself, you can raise the standard for how you expect to be treated, choose relationships where you are nurtured, respected and loved. Which supports that cliché because it is by loving yourself that others can too.


But self-love should not be confused with over-indulgence or avoiding responsibility. Let’s be very clear: we are taking responsibility by becoming good parents to ourselves. Sometimes self-love looks like compassion and rest. Sometimes it looks like enforcing boundaries. Sometimes, it looks like kicking our own arse.


This month is so focused on giving and receiving love in the romantic sense. Whether or not you have someone special, consider taking a moment just for yourself. Maybe you do go for that walk or indulge in a bubble bath. Or just sit quietly somewhere and appreciate your own company. Create space to reflect on what you want, what you need and what you might like to offer yourself. You might even check in with the younger you. What would have made them feel safe? Seen? Cared for?


And then do that. For you.



Lauren Richards GMBPsS, MSc, EMCC, HGDipl, Cert Ed., BSocSc 

Positive Psychologist, Coaching Psychologist and AuDHD Coach






 
 
 

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