Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word - the importance of a proper apology

Growing up we are taught some fairly universal “rules for life”: Be kind. Play nicely. Take turns. Tell the truth. Share. Say sorry.

Yet somewhere along the way, particularly as we enter the adult and business worlds, those lessons seem to be quietly undone. Cooperation is replaced with competition. Strength is confused with infallibility. Admitting fault becomes something to fear rather than a mark of maturity.

Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” theory is often offered as an explanation for how humans have endured. However, a vital component is usually left out. It wasn’t the survival of the fittest individual that ensured our success, it was the survival of the fittest group. The groups whose members cooperated, shared resources, and supported one another were the ones that thrived.

Humans need humans. Social support and good-quality relationships are not luxuries; they are essential ingredients for a happy, healthy life. This means that the skills required to get along with one another (i.e. empathy, accountability, repair) are not “soft skills”. They are fundamental life skills.

They are skills we need to develop because interacting with others isn’t always easy. People make mistakes. We hurt each other’s feelings, sometimes intentionally, often unintentionally and frequently through misunderstanding. Relationships can become damaged by misperceptions and unspoken resentments. Much of this pain is unnecessary. If people knew how to repair a rupture (i.e. apologise properly), then years of hurt, rejection and misunderstanding could be avoided.

What continues to surprise me is how afraid people are to own their mistakes and simply say sorry. In professional environments, I’ve watched intelligent, confident adults pretend nothing happened, deny obvious errors, or avoid accountability altogether. What they don’t realise is that this behaviour doesn’t make them look strong! It makes them look arrogant, immature and insecure. Did we really learn nothing in the playground?

Owning a mistake and apologising shows humility. It shows humanity. It says: I am grown up enough to admit I was wrong and that I care about the impact of my actions. In my world, that earns respect.

So why does saying sorry feel so scary? Perhaps because we fear vulnerability in a culture that demands perfection and punishes mistakes. But in reality a sincere apology often strengthens relationships rather than weakens them. It fosters trust, facilitates healing and allows both people to grow. So what exactly are we so afraid of?

Psychologist Dr Becky Kennedy speaks powerfully about the importance of repair in parent–child relationships. When parents acknowledge mistakes and apologise, it prevents children from internalising blame for a parent’s anger or frustration. It also teaches children to take responsibility for their own behaviour later in life. The good news is – it isn’t too late. A genuine apology from a parent to an adult child (even years later) can still be deeply healing. Don’t believe me? Imagine how it would feel if your parent called you to apologise for the childhood wounds you carry. Better still, if you’ve wronged your child in any way, consider making that call yourself.

There is a catch of course. Not all apologies are equal.

Psychologists such as Aaron Lazare and Dr Kennedy outline several key elements of a good apology. Consider this example of an apology:

“I’m sorry I lost my temper last night. I’ve been under a lot of pressure at work, but that’s no excuse for my behaviour. I love you and I will try harder not to take my frustrations out on you.”

Contrasted with: “Okay, I apologise. I didn’t realise this was such a sensitive issue for you.”

Whilst the latter sounds grudging and subtly shifts blame back onto the person who was hurt, the former is meaningful and includes the following elements:

1. Acknowledges the offence - clearly naming what you did and why it was wrong, without minimising or being vague.

2. Takes responsibility and expresses remorse - showing genuine regret rather than defensiveness.

3. Committing to change and making amends - explaining what you will do differently and repairing harm where possible.

We humans are idiots! We are so afraid of making mistakes and showing weakness that we miss opportunities to connect, which is the very thing we need most.

Increasingly these days I contemplate the state of the world we live in… a world dominated by billionaires and extreme power imbalances. The capitalists would have us believe that competition and the pursuit of profit and self-interest is the right way to live. But only a few are truly thriving. Living with that ethos is no happy way to live. It perpetuates a toxic, childish culture where people refuse to take responsibility, don’t like to share and compete rather than cooperate. Most people then live with anxiety, insecurity and fear. While power and wealth are hoarded by the few and lorded over the many. This way of living puts us at odds with our friends, colleagues, neighbours and even ourselves.

Imagine instead a world where we share the load, value cooperation over dominance and mistakes are considered learning opportunities. Where apologies are normal, repair is expected and connection is prioritised. In that world, we would feel safer. Loved and far more likely to thrive.

Because in the end, sorry isn’t the hardest word, it’s the bravest one.