My AuDHD and Me

For most of my life I didn’t know I was autistic. I was social, (relatively) high-functioning and female, which means I didn’t fit the stereotype. I have high empathy and like to think that I read people well. So when a friend, who was studying how autism presents in girls, showed me a list of traits, it felt like I had been struck by lightning. I ticked nearly every box. My traits are subtle, and therefore they can be easy to miss. Over time, I’ve learned how they show up; from stimming (turns out mental stims are a thing!) to burnout.

Realising I had autism changed everything. It meant I could let go. I stopped forcing myself into exhausting social situations. I let myself drop eye contact when it felt uncomfortable. I forgave myself for oversharing, for needing the lights dimmed, or for asking for instructions to be written down or repeated.

I didn’t truly understand how much autism affected me until I burned out from work. Looking back, I can see how my rejection-sensitive dysphoria, people-pleasing, autistic honesty and adherence to self-made rules worked against me in a system that wasn’t built to support neurodivergent people.

After I left work my brain wouldn’t stop, it felt like I was on hyperdrive, despite no longer needing to be. Through reflection (and a lot of reading), I realised that my washing-machine-whirling brain and my inability to sit still are actually ADHD. BOOM! Lightning struck again! Suddenly, so much of my behaviour and my experiences made sense. For example, my ADHD makes me start a hundred things and my autism allows me to finish them. That’s why I appeared to be so “high functioning” and always on the go. But it also explained my exhaustion, my struggle to relax and my guilt about not being more present with the people I love.

Becoming my own boss changed everything, from how I structure my day (compassionately to manage potential overwhelm), to who I spend time with. Many of us with AuDHD have a strong “authenticity (aka bullshit) radar.” I can’t be around people who aren’t being real for long because it makes me mask, which is inredibly draining. Understanding this has freed me to stop being in social situations that don’t feel comfortable and encouraged me to find my own tribe.

In my role as a positive psychology lecturer, I frequently preached the importance of kindness and helping others as essential for good mental health. Being kind can bring a deep, full-body joy that people with AuDHD often report experiencing. Let’s call it a perk of a having a neuro-spicy brain. This aspect of my AuDHD has led me to make sure I contribute a portion of my time to volunteering – which helps make life meaningful. I also believe in being honest and by proxy practicing what I preach – so my autistic need for rules encourages me to volunteer, as I can’t teach people to be kind if I am not doing it myself.

My hyperfocus for a few months has been delivering an online wellbeing project to educators in different locations in Gaza. This hyperfocus has enabled me to spend hours designing and writing content, researching, planning and attending meetings in order to bring this project into fruition. As you can imagine, this has been a life changing experience, not to mention a huge privilege to have met and worked with inspirational people who are teaching children with all sorts of trauma, whilst still trying to manage their own. After each session I often feel like my body is fizzing with emotions; heartbroken from hearing their stories, raging at the world for doing nothing, yet also a sense of something good (it often takes me a little longer to identify certain emotions due to my alexithymia).

Now that I understand my brain, I understand my needs. I’ve shaped my life so that it fits me, not the other way around. By extension, that makes me better for the people I love and loving, is what life is all about!

If you feel like you may be neurodiverse and want to dig deeper, AuDHD coaching is a wonderful way to better understand your brain and develop strategies to help you to change your life. If you’d like a free discovery call, please get in touch…

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